Becoming a Magnetic Reverse Vampire Or Something
Introduction
April 8, 2024
Ancient Astronaut theorists claim staring at a Solar Eclipse like the one tomorrow will cause you turn into a reverse vampire or something. We don't know. But here is what the
internet has to say.
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Frequency: There are about two to five solar eclipses each year. They’re like the celestial rock concerts of the sky—rare but memorable1.
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Speed Demon: The Moon travels in front of the Sun at approximately 1,398 miles per hour (2,250 kilometers per hour). It’s like the Moon’s version of a cosmic racecar1.
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Polar Exclusion: There is never a total solar eclipse at the north and south poles. Apparently, polar bears and penguins aren’t fans of cosmic shadow play1.
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Duration: A typical total solar eclipse lasts about 7 minutes and 30 seconds. That’s your window to experience daytime darkness and cosmic awe1.
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Alignment Dance: Solar eclipses occur when the Sun, the Moon, and Earth align (or get into syzygy, as astronomers say). The Moon casts its shadow on our planet, creating this celestial spectacle2.
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New Moon Magic: Solar eclipses only happen during the New Moon phase. It’s like the Moon’s way of saying, "Hey, let’s throw some shade!"2.
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Orbit Tilt: The Moon’s orbit is tilted about 5 degrees compared to Earth’s orbit around the Sun. These orbital intersections (called nodes) determine when eclipses occur. It’s like celestial choreography2.
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Varying Totalities: The total phases of solar eclipses vary in time because Earth’s distance from the Sun and the Moon’s distance from Earth change. The Moon’s apparent diameter can range from 10 percent smaller to 7 percent larger than the Sun’s, leading to different eclipse durations2.
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Magnitude and Obscuration: Astronomers categorize solar eclipses based on their magnitude (the percent of the Sun’s diameter covered by the Moon) and obscuration (the percent of the Sun’s total surface area covered). It’s like eclipse math, and it’s fascinating stuff
The Eclipse: A Gateway to Weirdness
- New York City (NYC):
- While NYC isn’t in the path of totality, a partial eclipse (89%) will be visible starting around 3:25 p.m. You can head to the Top of the Rock (the roof of Rockefeller Center) or One World Observatory for stunning views. Nature enthusiasts can visit Shirley Chisholm State Park in Brooklyn or the Brooklyn Botanic Garden for a low-key viewing party among the flowers. Alternatively, Wave Hill in the Bronx offers an eclipse party overlooking the Hudson River. And if you’re contemplating your place in the universe, join the viewing party and sound bath at Green-Wood Cemetery. Scientists at the New York Hall of Science and American Museum of Natural History are also hosting astronomy-themed events1.
- Denver:
- Denver will reach 65% totality during the solar eclipse. The partial eclipse will begin at 11:28 a.m. and end at 1:53 p.m., with the maximum eclipse at 12:40 p.m.34.
- Tucson:
- Tucson will experience a partial solar eclipse with a maximum eclipse at 11:19 a.m., covering 75% of the sun. The partial eclipse will last about 2 hours and 30 minutes5.
- Los Angeles:
- Los Angeles is not in the path of totality, but a partial eclipse will occur. The moon will cover up to 90% of the sun around 3:25 p.m.6.
Remember to use proper eye protection when observing the eclipse, and enjoy this cosmic spectacle! 🌞🌚🔭
The Setup
Picture this: You’re standing in your backyard, wearing your oversized eclipse glasses (because safety first, folks). The sun is playing peek-a-boo with the moon, and the sky darkens. It’s like the universe decided to throw a surprise party, and you’re the guest of honor. But little do you know, this eclipse isn’t your run-of-the-mill astronomical spectacle.
The Transformation
As the moon slides across the sun, something strange happens. Your skin tingles. Your hair stands on end. And suddenly, you feel an inexplicable urge to dance the cha-cha. Congratulations, my friend—you’re halfway to becoming a magnetic reverse vampire.
The Symptoms
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Magnetism: You’ll notice that metal objects cling to you like clingy exes. Car keys, paperclips, and that old spoon you’ve been meaning to throw out—they all stick to your skin. You’re like a walking refrigerator door.
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Reverse Sunburn: Forget about regular sunburns. You’re now susceptible to reverse sunburns. Instead of turning red, your skin becomes translucent, revealing your inner glow. People mistake you for a jellyfish at the beach. It’s a real confidence booster.
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Craving for Garlic-Flavored Magnets: Suddenly, garlic isn’t just for pasta. You dream of garlic-flavored magnets. You scour the internet for recipes: “Garlic-Infused Neodymium: A Sensational Snack!” Your friends stage an intervention.
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Nocturnal Urges: You used to be a morning person. Now, you’re a creature of the night. You binge-watch infomercials and contemplate the mysteries of the universe. Your cat side-eyes you, wondering if you’ve lost it.
The Lifestyle
Embrace your newfound identity! Here’s how to thrive as a magnetic reverse vampire:
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Fashion Choices: Ditch the cape; it’s so last century. Opt for metallic jumpsuits. You’re basically a disco ball with fangs.
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Dating Scene: Update your Tinder profile: “Seeking fellow magnetic beings. Must love moonlit walks and spontaneous levitation.”
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Dietary Preferences: Garlic, iron-rich foods, and the occasional refrigerator magnet. Skip the blood; it’s overrated.
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Social Life: Attend eclipse parties. Swap magnetism tips with other reverse vampires. Avoid werewolves—they’re jealous of your superior lunar connection.
Conclusion
So there you have it, dear readers. The next time a solar eclipse graces our skies, remember this cautionary tale. Stare at your own risk. Become a magnetic reverse vampire at your own peril. And if you find yourself levitating during a lunar eclipse, just go with it. After all, life’s too short to be ordinary—especially when you can be extraordinarily weird.
Stay magnetic, my friends. And may your garlic-flavored magnets never lose their allure! 🌚🧛♂️🧲
