Breaking News: Trump Hosts "Yuge" White House Garage Sale to Fund Government
WASHINGTON D.C. – In a move that has left politicians and historians alike utterly bewildered, former President Donald Trump has announced the "Greatest, Most Beautiful Garage Sale in the History of the World," to be held on the freshly cleared lawn where the White House's East Wing once stood.
The event, slated for this weekend, is being pitched as a "bold, entrepreneurial solution" to the perennial issue of government funding. "The Swamp spends too much, it's a disgrace," Trump stated from a makeshift podium adorned with gold-painted hay bales. "We have all this stuff, beautiful stuff, just sitting around. The Lincoln Bedroom? Very nice, but have you seen the traffic? We're liquidating assets. It's going to be yuge."
The cleared site of the former East Wing, now prepped for the "yuge" garage sale
A preview of the items listed for sale has caused a stir that can only be described as bipartisan chaos.
The Headliners
The Lincoln Bedroom (As-Is)
The centerpiece of the sale is the entire Lincoln Bedroom. The listing, scrawled on a large placard, reads: "Historic BEDROOM SET. Solid wood. Some ghostly apparitions included at no extra charge. You haul away. Slight cigar smell. $2 Million or best offer."
George Washington's Dentures (Allegedly)
Perhaps the most controversial item is a set of yellowed dentures claimed to have been worn by the first President. When asked for provenance, a sale organizer simply said, "A guy in Virginia had them. They're very authentic-looking." Historians from Mount Vernon have already issued a statement calling the item "an obvious, and frankly moist, fabrication," noting that Washington's dentures were made of hippopotamus ivory, lead, and human teeth, not the "mystery composite" on display.
The alleged Washington dentures, already drawing skepticism from historians
Other Noteworthy Lots
A walk through the sale reveals a treasure trove of American history, re-purposed for the discerning bargain hunter.
The Resolute Desk (Slight Modification)
The famous presidential desk, a gift from Queen Victoria, is available. It now features a custom-built, extra-large center drawer "for Big Mac storage," according to the tag. "Perfect for a home office! Must see to believe!"
A Collection of "Unsent Tweets"
Framed and under glass, a selection of late-night tweet drafts from the @realDonaldTrump account are being sold as "modern art." Highlights include a fully capitalized draft about "Crooked Hillary's Cankles" and a near-complete thought on windmill noise causing cancer. Opening bid: $10,000 each.
The Nuclear Football (Replica/Decoy)
A sleek black briefcase is listed as a "conversation starter for your man cave." The fine print admits it's non-functional, but claims it "still has that powerful vibe." Comes with a free "Make America Great Again" hat.
The historically significant Resolute Desk, now with "improvements"
Mar-a-Lago Membership Vouchers
A stack of certificates for a "complimentary round of golf and a diet coke" are being sold in bulk. "Transferable. No refunds. Management not responsible for classified documents left in lockers."
A Jar of "The Swamp"
A murky mason jar filled with water from the Washington Tidal Basin. The label promises it contains "actual, concentrated Swamp." Priced at $99.
Reactions have been swift and varied. A group of bemused tourists from Ohio were seen debating the authenticity of the Washington teeth. "I don't know, Brenda," said one man, holding them up to the light. "They look a little too perfect."
Meanwhile, ethics watchdogs and the National Archives are reportedly having collective heart palpitations. A spokesperson for the Archives was seen sprinting towards the sale with a team of lawyers and a large net.
Bargain hunters and curious onlookers flock to the unprecedented sale
As the sun sets on the South Lawn, staffers are setting up cash-only registers and hanging strands of patriotic bunting. Whether this sale will solve the national debt or simply become the strangest chapter in White House history remains to be seen. But one thing is for certain: for the low, low price of $2 million, you could own a piece of it.
Sale starts Saturday. Early birds get 10% off if they mention this article.
