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LOS ANGELES • June 14, 2025
Agent Orange Declares War on Bachata: Marines Deployed to Crush 'Sensual Menace' in Los Angeles
In a bold move to protect American values, our beloved Empirical Dictator, Agent Orange, has authorized the deployment of National Guard troops and U.S. Marines to Los Angeles to suppress what he calls a "degenerate Bachata Showdown" threatening the moral fabric of the nation.
Eyewitnesses report tanks rolling down Sunset Boulevard, helicopters circling overhead, and heavily armed soldiers storming dance studios where suspected bachata enthusiasts were allegedly engaging in "excessive hip movement" and "unapproved Latin rhythms." The operation, codenamed "Salsa No More," has already resulted in the arrest of dozens of civilians caught swaying to the seductive beats of Romeo Santos.
"This Is Worse Than Communism" – Agent Orange
In a fiery press conference held at a nearby Taco Bell (the only remaining safe zone), the Supreme Leader explained his reasoning.
"These so-called 'dancers' are nothing more than foot soldiers of cultural decay. First, it's bachata. Next thing you know, they'll be doing the merengue in public schools!"
When asked if this was an overreaction, the dictator scoffed. "Have you seen how close they dance? It's basically a gateway drug to socialism."
Martial Law Declared Over "Dirty Dancing"
Under Executive Order 120 BPM, all bachata music has been classified as a "subversive substance," punishable by mandatory re-education via square-dancing classes. The LAPD's new "Rhythm Patrol" units have been authorized to use non-lethal maracas to disorient offenders before hauling them away for interrogation.
"We found a man attempting to lead a woman in a cross-body step without a permit. Thankfully, our snipers were able to take him down with a well-placed shot of 'Despacito' played at max volume."
Public Outcry (But Mostly Just Confusion)
Civil rights groups have condemned the crackdown, calling it "the dumbest thing since the War on Christmas Starbucks cups." Meanwhile, underground bachata rebels have begun organizing secret dance circles in abandoned parking garages, communicating only through whispered lyrics of "Obsesión."
One defiant Angeleno, who asked to remain anonymous (for fear of being forced to listen to Kid Rock as punishment), told reporters: "I just wanted to dance, man. Now I'm hiding in a dumpster with a playlist of Aventura on my phone. Is this what freedom feels like?"
What's Next?
With the Bachata Resistance growing stronger by the minute, Agent Orange has vowed to escalate efforts, including:
- Airstrikes on Zumba studios suspected of harboring "salsa sympathizers."
- Mandatory patriotism tests where citizens must prove they can't dance to save their lives.
- Replacing all Latin music with Toby Keith's greatest hits on a 24/7 loop.
As the city descends into chaos, one thing is clear: Agent Orange will stop at nothing to ensure no American ever grooves again.
Stay tuned for updates—if you can still access the internet before the Great Firewall of Disney+ is fully enacted.
This has been a satirical article. Any resemblance to real events, dictators, or overly aggressive dance crackdowns is purely coincidental (or is it?).
Rage Against the Toaster -
When Emma bought an old toaster at a yard sale, she had no idea what horrors lay ahead. As soon as she plugged it in, strange things started happening. The toaster would burn bizarre symbols into the bread, and Emma couldn't shake the feeling that something was watching her.
In a panic, Emma turned to her friend Sam, who was into all things paranormal. Sam arrived at Emma's house and took one look at the toaster before bursting into laughter.
"Emma, you've got a demon toaster!" Sam exclaimed. "It's a toaster that's possessed by a demon. It's not uncommon, really. Happens all the time."
Emma wasn't sure if she should believe Sam or if her friend was just messing with her. But as the toaster continued to produce demonic toast, Emma began to think that maybe there was something to Sam's theory.
The two friends decided to perform an exorcism on the toaster, armed with only a spray bottle of holy water and a piece of stale bread. But as they chanted incantations and sprayed water at the toaster, it began to growl and shake.
Before they knew it, the toaster had sprouted legs and arms, and was now a fully-formed demon toaster. It chased Emma and Sam around the house, burning symbols into everything it touched.
Emma and Sam knew they had to destroy the demon toaster before it destroyed them. They lured it into the kitchen and turned on the gas stove, trapping the demon toaster in the flames.
As they watched the toaster burn, Emma and Sam breathed a sigh of relief. But as they turned to leave, they heard a faint whisper: "I'll be back."
From that day on, Emma and Sam never looked at a toaster the same way again.
