Agent Orange Declares War on Bachata: Marines Deployed to Crush 'Sensual Menace' in Los Angeles

In a bold move to protect American values, our beloved Empirical Dictator, Agent Orange, has authorized the deployment of National Guard troops and U.S. Marines to Los Angeles to suppress what he calls a "degenerate Bachata Showdown" threatening the moral fabric of the nation.

Eyewitnesses report tanks rolling down Sunset Boulevard, helicopters circling overhead, and heavily armed soldiers storming dance studios where suspected bachata enthusiasts were allegedly engaging in "excessive hip movement" and "unapproved Latin rhythms." The operation, codenamed "Salsa No More," has already resulted in the arrest of dozens of civilians caught swaying to the seductive beats of Romeo Santos.

"This Is Worse Than Communism" – Agent Orange

In a fiery press conference held at a nearby Taco Bell (the only remaining safe zone), the Supreme Leader explained his reasoning.

When asked if this was an overreaction, the dictator scoffed. "Have you seen how close they dance? It's basically a gateway drug to socialism."

Martial Law Declared Over "Dirty Dancing"

Under Executive Order 120 BPM, all bachata music has been classified as a "subversive substance," punishable by mandatory re-education via square-dancing classes. The LAPD's new "Rhythm Patrol" units have been authorized to use non-lethal maracas to disorient offenders before hauling them away for interrogation.

Public Outcry (But Mostly Just Confusion)

Civil rights groups have condemned the crackdown, calling it "the dumbest thing since the War on Christmas Starbucks cups." Meanwhile, underground bachata rebels have begun organizing secret dance circles in abandoned parking garages, communicating only through whispered lyrics of "Obsesión."

One defiant Angeleno, who asked to remain anonymous (for fear of being forced to listen to Kid Rock as punishment), told reporters: "I just wanted to dance, man. Now I'm hiding in a dumpster with a playlist of Aventura on my phone. Is this what freedom feels like?"

What's Next?

With the Bachata Resistance growing stronger by the minute, Agent Orange has vowed to escalate efforts, including:

• Airstrikes on Zumba studios suspected of harboring "salsa sympathizers."
• Mandatory patriotism tests where citizens must prove they can't dance to save their lives.
• Replacing all Latin music with Toby Keith's greatest hits on a 24/7 loop.

As the city descends into chaos, one thing is clear: Agent Orange will stop at nothing to ensure no American ever grooves again.

Stay tuned for updates—if you can still access the internet before the Great Firewall of Disney+ is fully enacted.

This has been a satirical article. Any resemblance to real events, dictators, or overly aggressive dance crackdowns is purely coincidental (or is it?).