The Onion's Tragically Reliable Satire: "No Way To Prevent This," Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens
For over a decade, The Onion has maintained one of its darkest—and most tragically consistent—satirical traditions: republishing the same article after every mass shooting in America. The headline reads:
The piece, first written in 2014 following a school shooting in Washington state, has been republished with only minor updates at least 30 times since then, each time a new massacre adds to America's endless cycle of gun violence. The grim reliability of this satire underscores a horrifying truth: mass shootings, particularly in schools, have become a uniquely American routine.
The Formula of Futility
The article's structure is always the same:
- A mock quote from a fictitious citizen or official shrugging helplessly.
- A sarcastic nod to the inevitability of the tragedy.
- A blunt acknowledgment that no meaningful action will follow.
"This was a terrible tragedy, but sometimes these things just happen and there's nothing anyone can do to stop them," said North Dakota resident Marjorie Ramsey, echoing a sentiment expressed by tens of millions of individuals who reside in a nation where over 300 million firearms are in circulation and, on average, one mass shooting has occurred every single week for the past five years.
The piece's effectiveness lies in its brutal repetition. Unlike most satire, which evolves with the times, The Onion's recycling of this article highlights how little has changed—how lawmakers offer "thoughts and prayers" while blocking even modest gun reforms, how the NRA and gun lobby stymie progress, and how the public has been conditioned to accept these horrors as normal.
The Conspiracy Twist: "Crisis Actors" and Denial
Adding another layer of absurdity to America's gun violence epidemic is the rise of conspiracy theories claiming that mass shootings are staged. Following nearly every high-profile tragedy, far-right media figures and online provocateurs rush to suggest that grieving parents and survivors are "crisis actors"—paid performers in an elaborate hoax to justify gun control.
- Alex Jones infamously claimed the Sandy Hook massacre was a "false flag," harassing bereaved families for years.
- Podcasters and GOP-aligned influencers routinely float baseless theories after shootings, from Parkland to Uvalde.
- Even some elected officials have entertained these ideas, further muddying the discourse.
This denialism doesn't just insult victims—it distracts from solutions. While some Americans demand action, others waste time debating whether the bloodshed was even real.
Why It Keeps Working
Other countries experience mass violence, but none with the same frequency as the U.S. After shootings in nations like Australia (1996 Port Arthur) or the UK (1996 Dunblane), governments enacted strict gun laws—and mass shootings plummeted. In America, even after deadlier and deadlier attacks (Sandy Hook, Parkland, Uvalde, Nashville, etc.), the response remains the same:
- Politicians refuse to pass universal background checks or ban assault weapons.
- Media cycles through the same debates before moving on.
- Conspiracy theorists exploit the tragedy for clicks, spreading distrust.
- The public grows numb until the next tragedy.
The Onion's republished article is a mirror held up to this insanity. The fact that it never needs rewriting is the whole point.
The Bleak Humor of Repetition
Satire is meant to exaggerate flaws to provoke change. But when reality is already a parody of itself, the joke stops being funny—it just hurts. The Onion's piece is no longer just satire; it's a eulogy for a country that refuses to save itself.
Until America breaks its addiction to guns, political cowardice, and conspiracy-fueled denial, The Onion won't need a new version of this article. The old one will always apply.
